On the run from a determined street enforcer, a young Londoner will do anything and everything to avoid capture but the enforcer has pledged to kill himself in the event of failure.

Needs to be more concise.

Thanks for your feedback. Switched Order. Chiseled Vocabulary. Added Verbose. :)
Cheers ;)

If the Antagonist vows to kill himself there is no Movie.
As above said there has to be some connection, change of heart that makes it an option to change direction.
Why does he have to out run this Enforcer.....What about the boss?

EdgeWriter is right although maybe add that the person on the run finds out that the street enforcer is related to him/her and feels sympathetic??, let's himself get captures to avoid death to the enforcer.
Not sure but hope this helps

Don't know if this has been mentioned because I haven't read all the comments, but two issues strike me about your logline:

1) how and when does the assassin decide he's failed
2) the Young Londoner simply has to hide out and wait for the assassin to kill himself

>>aren't two Hollywood studio gods predicting doom?

Their doom, perhaps, as a new generation of junior gods storm Mt. Olympus. Who knows? The only constant in Showbiz is change.

Anyway, your premise keeps growing on me [like the man-eating plant in "Little Shop of Horrors"] :)

Best wishes

>>aren't two Hollywood studio gods predicting doom?

Their doom, perhaps, as a new generation of junior gods storm Mt. Olympus. Who knows? The only constant in Showbiz is change.

Anyway, your premise keeps growing on me [like the man-eating plant in "Little Shop of Horrors"] :)

Best wishes

Thanks, dpg. You've got mad story skills. What I have in mind for the script is a micro-budget indie film. Hollywood is way beyond me right now. I wouldn't know where to start. Besides, aren't two Hollywood studio gods predicting doom?

Enforcer for a ruthless mobster, or for an occult and secret society. Whatever turns over your crankshaft.

However, if you go with the latter, than I suggest that what the young man steals is a briefcase containing musty papers with cryptograms, maps, whatever that lead to a treasure trove of hidden wealth or a great secret .

So he's in a race against time to solve the riddle as well as save his life from the enforcer. The enforcer's stake is to defend to the death, if necessary, his sacred oath to maintain the society's greatest secret.

That may require a major retooling of your story. But Hollyweird seems to have a weakness for stories with a mystical, occult angle. The angle can be leveraged into a sequels, franchises (See "National Treasure", "The Da Vinci Code")

fwiw

Enforcer for a ruthless mobster, or for an occult and secret society. Whatever turns over your crankshaft.

However, if you go with the latter, than I suggest that what the young man steals is a briefcase containing musty papers with cryptograms, maps, whatever that lead to a treasure trove of hidden wealth or a great secret .

So he's in a race against time to solve the riddle as well as save his life from the enforcer. The enforcer's stake is to defend to the death, if necessary, his sacred oath to maintain the society's greatest secret.

That may require a major retooling of your story. But Hollyweird seems to have a weakness for stories with a mystical, occult angle. The angle can be leveraged into a sequels, franchises (See "National Treasure", "The Da Vinci Code")

fwiw

OK, horses being held. So, you're referring to the far less popular GD who were involved in mysticism and Aleister Crowley was a member, etc? And this is to do with the Lord of Strife title? Jean-Marie mentions the Tarot somewhere in this thread. OK, so going for a sensible response now? I'd say something about Jungian archetypes and the collective unconscious. I think dpg knows more about all of this.

Hi Phoenix, thanks. Golden Dawn? I went and googled it. A bunch of right wing Greek extremists who hate immigrants? No offence taken. Or is there another GD? Why do you ask? Does my logline suggest a GD influence?

Reads fine. Captures my attention and makes me interested. By the way, are you a Golden Dawn fan or a member?

Many thanks to Nicholasandrewhalls, dfitzp, Richiev, Anonymous, dpg, Tony Edwards & Jean-Marie Mazaleyrat - for helping to create a cracking logline. Couldn't have done it without you, guys.

I think this is a great idea

>>[Two sides as if the drifter is the incarnation of the enforcer's shadow and vica-versa which is why initially they hold each other in such mutual contempt.]

+

>>The drifter as the incarnation of the enforcer's shadow? Hmm. Interesting. I'll give it some thought. It is an unusual relationship. There is a key moment when the enforcer saves the drifter's life ? on a point of honour.
Forces greater than the two individuals have set them against each other. So, they are only fulfilling their destiny. They are doing what their biology wants them to do.