Categories: Comedy
Sounds like a good inciting incident and a fun romp. This could play out well as a feature film.
I think the father's job on the line could be moved to later in the story so it is what adds stakes before the end of the story.
My concern is: ?what is your story really about? ?What is the primary story thread: the comeuppance of the Big Man on Campus (BMOC)? ?Or the rivalry between two schools? ?In either case, it's the same protagonist with almost identical events, but if the primary story line is the rivalry, then it seems to me that the rival for the girl friend should be someone from that story line -- from the rival school.
On the other foot, if the primary story line is about the comeuppance of ?the BMOC. then the rival for the girlfriend can come from either.
And to reiterate, I love the concept. And I hope the grand gesture arises out of who the nerd really is, not who he tries to be. ?
fwiw
My concern is: ?what is your story really about? ?What is the primary story thread: the comeuppance of the Big Man on Campus (BMOC)? ?Or the rivalry between two schools? ?In either case, it's the same protagonist with almost identical events, but if the primary story line is the rivalry, then it seems to me that the rival for the girl friend should be someone from that story line -- from the rival school.
On the other foot, if the primary story line is about the comeuppance of ?the BMOC. then the rival for the girlfriend can come from either.
And to reiterate, I love the concept. And I hope the grand gesture arises out of who the nerd really is, not who he tries to be. ?
fwiw
I really love this idea! ?I agree that using the?father's job as motivation pulls me out of the meat?of the story, and agree it would?be better to stay focused on the rivalry/schoolmates. The?motivation of the girlfriend being stolen, makes perfect sense to me that it would cause him to want to defeat the other team.
Just had an idea:? If you want us to root for the QB to win the game and defeat the nerd in the end,?it might be a good idea to first have the nerd win?the girlfriend by doing something nerdy and "underdog-ish", that maybe makes the QB look like a jerk, but?then at the end of the movie, the nerd is?exposed for using his underdog-ness to manipulate her (possibly by setting up a scenario where he looks especially nerdy or like an underdog) and the QB, having truly changed, has a chance to win her back. ?I think this would play better than having the nerd do something genuinely heroic or pretending to be cool, but maybe he's not even as nerdy as he pretends to be.
OR
If you want the nerd to keep the GF, maybe the QB finds his own nerdy girl at the end and falls for her.
Hope some of this can be helpful!
Is the?nerd from the rival school? ?(And why not have him win the girl by simply being himself -- a nerd? Otherwise, the singing schtick is another one of the tried-and-tired tropes where the underdog has to act like an overdog to win the girl. ?
Why can't the nerd just win the girl by being true to himself? ?(And wouldn't that just drive the QB jock crazy with consternation and jealousy?)
Why not that the QB of the rival team (who is everything thing the protagonist is not) steals the protagonist's girlfriend? ?Either as the inciting incident or an aggravating incident that further motivates him. ?That way , you give the protagonist the strongest possible person motivation. ?He not only wants to ?defeat the underdogs -- he must defeat them to 1] fulfill his dream;2] avenge the theft of his girl; 3] and win her back.
fwiw
Is the?nerd from the rival school? ?(And why not have him win the girl by simply being himself -- a nerd? Otherwise, the singing schtick is another one of the tried-and-tired tropes where the underdog has to act like an overdog to win the girl. ?
Why can't the nerd just win the girl by being true to himself? ?(And wouldn't that just drive the QB jock crazy with consternation and jealousy?)
Why not that the QB of the rival team (who is everything thing the protagonist is not) steals the protagonist's girlfriend? ?Either as the inciting incident or an aggravating incident that further motivates him. ?That way , you give the protagonist the strongest possible person motivation. ?He not only wants to ?defeat the underdogs -- he must defeat them to 1] fulfill his dream;2] avenge the theft of his girl; 3] and win her back.
fwiw
LOL!
Great idea, Richiev, to turn every sports underdog trope and plot gimmick inside out, upside down.
I'm not sure about the inciting incident. ?I would be inclined to set it up as a traditional school rivalry between pretty prep boys and homely home boys ?-- a class conflict. ?The scrappy, working class Underdogs playing for a public school have always beaten the elitist, privileged and pampered Overdogs who play for a private school. ?The ?quarterback's objective goal is to fulfill his dream of being the hero who breaks the losing streak -- and since it's his senior year, this is is last chance to do it.
Anyway, it's a great premise rich with comedic possibilities. ? ?This is a movie I want to see. ??(But I will still root for the underdogs!)
Best wishes.
LOL!
Great idea, Richiev, to turn every sports underdog trope and plot gimmick inside out, upside down.
I'm not sure about the inciting incident. ?I would be inclined to set it up as a traditional school rivalry between pretty prep boys and homely home boys ?-- a class conflict. ?The scrappy, working class Underdogs playing for a public school have always beaten the elitist, privileged and pampered Overdogs who play for a private school. ?The ?quarterback's objective goal is to fulfill his dream of being the hero who breaks the losing streak -- and since it's his senior year, this is is last chance to do it.
Anyway, it's a great premise rich with comedic possibilities. ? ?This is a movie I want to see. ??(But I will still root for the underdogs!)
Best wishes.
Great idea, with huge comedy potential. My only suggestion is to think about what his internal journey will be (i.e. how the quarterback will change). I don't know if that necessarily needs to be in the logline, but something you need to think about.
Please write this script. As someone writing a traditional sports film, I love this idea. Such fertile ground for comedy.
This is a very intriguing idea.
In order to prevent his father from being fired as coach, a star quaterback must rally his nearly undefeated team to beat the scruffy underdog team which always manages to win the championship.?(~33 words)
One of the things in yours is that you drive the length up with many adjectives.
