1. Posted: April 23, 2015In:

    Reluctantly elected as president, a lazy teenager struggles to run the model train club, but soon discovers opportunities to expand his earnings and popularity through increasingly unscrupulous business practices.

    FFF Mentor

    Hello, you could structure the logline a little better and shorter, something like: "When a lazy teenager is elected as president of a model train club, he discovers opportunities to expand his earnings through increasingly unscrupulous business practices". This could work as a TV guide synopsis andRead more

    Hello, you could structure the logline a little better and shorter,
    something like:

    “When a lazy teenager is elected as president of a model train club, he discovers opportunities to expand his earnings through increasingly unscrupulous business practices”.
    This could work as a TV guide synopsis and the movie could be funny.

    Besides, as a logline, the problem is that the conflict and the goal are not clear. You have an incident (the election as president of the club), but then your character seems to have no obstacles anymore.

    Try to read this document I found on the internet (very useful): http://www.twoadverbs.com/logline.pdf
    The commentary about the “dr. P” logline applies to you logline too : “a logline should depict the PROBLEM the character must solve”.

    I think you should focus on the “unscrupulous business practices”: that is the key to generate conflict. Give us a clue about what kind of practices cause him problems instead of telling us that that such practices help him to increase his popularity and earnings. What happens when he go deep into “unscrupulous practices”?

    I hope that helps.

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  2. Posted: April 21, 2015In:

    When a distrusting telepath learns his whole life has been a lie, he must take on the shadowy agency he works for to uncover his real past.

    FFF Mentor

    "While struggling with an identity crisis": I think this is implied by the fact that he discover that his life is a lie so it's not useful in the logline. And despondent is not a good characterisation for a MC in my opinion. "When a skilled telepath discovers his whole life has been a lie, he must tRead more

    “While struggling with an identity crisis”: I think this is implied by the fact that he discover that his life is a lie so it’s not useful in the logline. And despondent is not a good characterisation for a MC in my opinion.

    “When a skilled telepath discovers his whole life has been a lie, he must take on the shadowy agency he works for to uncover his real past.”
    You have an incident (he discover his life is a lie) and the goal (uncover his real past).

    You could also find a way to avoid the couple discover/uncover, that sounds poor.

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  3. Posted: April 21, 2015In:

    When a distrusting telepath learns his whole life has been a lie, he must take on the shadowy agency he works for to uncover his real past.

    FFF Mentor

    For me the goal is "uncover his real past" and it's enough. I think it's good enough as a logline (still that adjective to find...). Besides, it's not a "high concept" movie (but not all movies must be high concept). Probably, it's a not a logline that will get your script read. But if this is yourRead more

    For me the goal is “uncover his real past” and it’s enough.

    I think it’s good enough as a logline (still that adjective to find…).
    Besides, it’s not a “high concept” movie (but not all movies must be high concept).
    Probably, it’s a not a logline that will get your script read. But if this is your script, you have your logline.

    I think the script can work. I can see a spine in the movie from this logline. I don’t think that in this website the goal is to come up with a “genius” idea, a high concept movie, or a revolutionary concept. To write a logline is the first step in the scriptwriting process. Very often you can see major problems in a concept doing the logline. Then, you can test the concept and see if the logline generate some interest or none. Do you love this concept enough to go through the full writing process? Enough to start writing at least? Take your time to think about it.

    One more thing. I would avoid the future : “he’ll take” —> present tense is better.

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