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A group of thieves rob a police station in hope of retrieving sensitive evidence that could potentially end their criminal careers for good.
A group of thieves: this is kind of vague, is there a specific thief with a specific personality.Rob a police station: Now this is good. It is specific and has a certain amount of built-in conflict because we know it won't be easy.Sensitive evidence?: What evidence? a surveillance video? A notebookRead more
A group of thieves: this is kind of vague, is there a specific thief with a specific personality.
Rob a police station: Now this is good. It is specific and has a certain amount of built-in conflict because we know it won’t be easy.
Sensitive evidence?: What evidence? a surveillance video? A notebook with the plans for their next robbery? A photo of them walking out of the Thieves-are-us store?
Also, how did the police get this information, what is the inciting incident? Did one of their crew get arrested? How does this story begin? Your logline seems to be missing this important story point.
Anyway, I think with a few specifics this will be a pretty solid logline and the story seem interesting as well.
See lessGood luck with this.
Upside down in a binge, pacifist Hank Thompson loses a key that belongs to the Russian mob; now Hank must find the key or die trying.
If you are going to give your lead character the unusual trait of being a pacifist. You should show in the logline how the inciting puts him in a position where he must betray his beliefs... or else something bad will happen.
If you are going to give your lead character the unusual trait of being a pacifist. You should show in the logline how the inciting puts him in a position where he must betray his beliefs… or else something bad will happen.
See lessAs dimensional portals bring refugees from an another earth, a disillusioned border agent encounters his alternate-earth daughter and becomes torn between following orders, or protecting an alternate world from annihilation.
I don't know if your story has been written yet, but if it hasn't this is how I would start the story.-----1: At the beginning of the story. Perhaps even during the opening credits, I would show scenes of the lead character and his daughter2: I would show birthday party's, take your daughter to workRead more
I don’t know if your story has been written yet, but if it hasn’t this is how I would start the story.
—–
1: At the beginning of the story. Perhaps even during the opening credits, I would show scenes of the lead character and his daughter
2: I would show birthday party’s, take your daughter to work day, the father putting a band-aid on a bruised knee. Maybe the two of them dancing to his daughter’s favorite song. (Sentimental memories) and these scenes should be emphasized with a filter that lets people know this is in the past. Kind of bright and slightly fuzzy
3: Then we see a newspaper clipping of “Young girl killed in freak accident)
4: Now we cut to the present and the father is going through the motions at work, he clearly hasn’t gotten over the death of his daughter. (In contrast, everything is kind of dark and colorless)?
5: The father is checking ids and visa’s at the interdimensional portal. Perhaps a quick conversation with a coworker to get a glimpse of the lead characters current state. He drinks too much, he is depressed and the coworker is worried.
6: Finally, within the first 10 minutes of the story, out steps his daughter from the portal.
See less—–
By setting up how much the lead loved his daughter and how devastating her death was to him, seeing his daughter walk out from the portal should have a huge emotional pull on the audience’s heartstrings.
And by doing so, the audience will go along with whatever crazy plan the lead comes up with in order to save his alternate-dimensional daughter.