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When a brutal assasin wins custody of his two children after the biased outcome of a divorce proceedings, he intends to dominate their lives and discovered a great potential in one of them but then the table turned against him and his attrocities were exposed as the children struggled to be free from his cruel hands.
The very first part of this is good, "When a brutal assassin wins custody of his two children..." I would keep this. "After the biased outcome of a divorce proceedings..." This isn't needed "He intends to dominate their lives and discovered a great potential in one of them..." This is confusing, ItRead more
The very first part of this is good,
“When a brutal assassin wins custody of his two children…” I would keep this.
“After the biased outcome of a divorce proceedings…” This isn’t needed
“He intends to dominate their lives and discovered a great potential in one of them…” This is confusing, It sounds important but needs to be rewritten.
“But then the table turned against him and his atrocities were exposed..” You are using two different tenses.
“as the children struggled to be free from his cruel hands.” This sounds important to the story but not sure why you are using past tense for this line.
Seems like a compelling idea but I would rewrite everything after the very first line.
Good luck with this
See lessOscar remembers his past and wonders why he is still a loser. That is until he meets the woman of his dreams.
There is still no conflict in this logline. What is Oscar's goal and what is standing in his way. You haven't described the main conflict of the story.
There is still no conflict in this logline.
What is Oscar’s goal and what is standing in his way. You haven’t described the main conflict of the story.
See lessLissa can?t see hers, but with a touch, she can see your true love. After a lifetime of heartbreak, will she let herself love again?
I wouldn't end a logline with a yes or no question, especially if it is rhetorical. Try saying it a different way, fore instance instead of, "Will she let herself love again" you could say, "She must overcome her fear of a broken heart." Then add the other elements around it. "After meeting a handsoRead more
I wouldn’t end a logline with a yes or no question, especially if it is rhetorical.
Try saying it a different way, fore instance instead of, “Will she let herself love again” you could say, “She must overcome her fear of a broken heart.” Then add the other elements around it.
“After meeting a handsome reporter, a lonely psychic who can only see the destiny of others must overcome a broken heart if she’s to find true love.” (That’s still clunky but I hope you see where I’m going)
But when you end the logline in a question it sounds like a line from the old Batman TV show: “Will Batman escape? Will Gotham be saved? Or will this be the end for our Caped crusader? tune in next week and find out!
(I’ve done the same thing)
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