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When her best friend’s fianc? comes to town, a sheltered outback girl is faced with feelings she never thought she would have. When he asks her to write a song with him about the suspicious death of a local shearer, she discovers that the culprit is someone close to home.
This reads like two different loglines:"When her best friend's fiance comes to town, a sheltered outback girl is faced with feelings she never though she would have..." The END"When he (her best friend) asks her to ?write a ?song with him about the suspicious death of a local shearer, she discovererRead more
This reads like two different loglines:
“When her best friend’s fiance comes to town, a sheltered outback girl is faced with feelings she never though she would have…” The END
“When he (her best friend) asks her to ?write a ?song with him about the suspicious death of a local shearer, she discoverers that the culprit is someone close to home…” The END
—–
The problem is, I don’t see any connection between the two halves of the logline.
In other words, why bring up a fiance’ and her feelings, if they have nothing to do with the main plot, which is discovering who killed the local shearer.
I would just concentrate on the ‘A’ story (The suspicious death of the shearer) and leave the ‘B’ story (The fiance and feelings) out of the logline. (Keep it in your script but just concentrate on the ‘A’ story for the purposes of the logline)
You obviously have a story here. If you concentrate on the main story line, (for the purposes of the logline) it will read far stronger and be more likely to captivate your reader.
See lessA secretly dying filmmaker goes to the Blue Mountains to shoot her final film. As her marriage and the production fall apart, the ghost of a local murder victim has her questioning what her life’s work truly is.
From reading your logline, I'm not sure what this story is actually about. Is it two hours of a woman questioning what her life's work truly is? What is she dying from (Cancer?) What is her goal? (I don't even know from your logline what the movie she's shooting is about) Is there some sort of actioRead more
From reading your logline, I’m not sure what this story is actually about. Is it two hours of a woman questioning what her life’s work truly is?
What is she dying from (Cancer?)
What is her goal? (I don’t even know from your logline what the movie she’s shooting is about)
Is there some sort of action besides “Questioning”… something more active?
I do believe there is a story here but at this point the plot is still unclear.
See lessThe Devil’s Cruise – On a family vacation cruise a father lost his daughter thru Somalian pirates and will now choose between saving her daughter or his business.
"When Somali pirates kidnap his daughter, a distraught father must..."I'm not sold on the idea that the father must choose between his daughter or his business. If the father is the lead character, he should stop at nothing to get his daughter back.If, however you like the idea of a father who is waRead more
“When Somali pirates kidnap his daughter, a distraught father must…”
I’m not sold on the idea that the father must choose between his daughter or his business.
If the father is the lead character, he should stop at nothing to get his daughter back.
If, however you like the idea of a father who is wavering between saving his business or his daughter
then you should change the lead character and have the father as the bad guy.
You could have the father wavering, he doesn’t want to pay the ransom because the money will wipe out his business
See lessSo the mom goes in guns blazing, playing the Iiam Neesan (Taken) role.
sort of a gender switch.