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A commitment-phobic Florida man falls for an aspiring TV journalist but before she leaves town for a promotion, he plants himself at the center of an increasing number of peculiar news stories for a chance to win her heart.
Your logline begins at the wrong spot, we don't need to know that the lead falls in love, just what he will do when the woman he loves plans to leave, which lucky for us you have told us in your logline. So I would drop the beginning and start from when the woman of his dreams plans to leave. I hopeRead more
Your logline begins at the wrong spot,
we don’t need to know that the lead falls in love,
just what he will do when the woman he loves plans to leave,
which lucky for us you have told us in your logline.
So I would drop the beginning and start from when the woman of his dreams plans to leave.
I hope that helped, this sounds like a great premise with a solid hook. Good luck with this!
See lessParanoid and close to breaking a drug addicted army medic must survive a plot to get him killed after he discusses a friendly fire cover up.
I believe Nir's review is on the moneyOne thing you don't want is a passive lead character. The character should do something or have a goal, not simply be swept up in events beyond their control (Like Jupiter Ascending)In your logline, the character 'must survive' a plot. The lead character isn't tRead more
I believe Nir’s review is on the money
One thing you don’t want is a passive lead character. The character should do something or have a goal, not simply be swept up in events beyond their control (Like Jupiter Ascending)
In your logline, the character ‘must survive’ a plot. The lead character isn’t the one moving the story forward, he’s reacting instead of acting.
How about this:
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When an addicted Amy Medic discovers a friendly fire cover-up, He must traverse 50 miles of searing desert, while being hunted by those who want him silenced, in order to reach the commanding officer and bring the event to light.
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In this version, the lead character has a goal, he wants to expose the cover-up, not simply survive.
Hope that helped, good luck with this!
See lessRunning away from domestic violence in 1920s Oklahoma, a teenager encounters homelessness, alcoholism and drug addiction. Sent to prison, then declared insane, an encounter with a book changes his life
From reading your logline, it seems you give us a lot of back story, then at the very end of the logline, you give us the incident in which motivates the lead character into action and thus begins the story. Your logline should begin with him encountering a book (You should be specific, what book?)Read more
From reading your logline, it seems you give us a lot of back story,
then at the very end of the logline,
you give us the incident in which motivates the lead character into action and thus begins the story.
Your logline should begin with him encountering a book (You should be specific, what book?)
Then tell us what he does about it.
Hope that helped, good luck with this!
See less