1. Posted: February 11, 2016In:

    On the verge of capture, Vera, a peevish teenage Jew, flees the Nazi invasion of her Romanian village and crosses paths with a British secret service agent who reluctantly mentors her after she learns of her family?s murder. When her mentor is exposed as a double agent, she launches a vicious global vendetta to bring Nazi war criminals to justice before they can disappear into post-WWII hiding.

    Richiev Singularity

    Here is a n attempt to shorten your logline:-----"When her mentor is exposed as a double agent, a peevish Romanian Jew launches a global vendetta to bring Nazi war criminals to justice"-----(On a side note, I'm not sure from your logline who her mentor is exposed too, is he exposed to the allies asRead more

    Here is a n attempt to shorten your logline:
    —–
    “When her mentor is exposed as a double agent, a peevish Romanian Jew launches a global vendetta to bring Nazi war criminals to justice”
    —–
    (On a side note, I’m not sure from your logline who her mentor is exposed too, is he exposed to the allies as a double agent or to the Nazis)

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  2. Posted: February 9, 2016In:

    In a world where magic is controlled by a corrupt few, an outcast with elemental powers must join a rag tag group of well meaning historians to face a powerful magi and release control of magic back to the populace.

    Richiev Singularity

    Here are a couple of tries: ----- Take one: ? "When the ruling Magi-garchy discover how to horde magic, a rebellious freedom fighter joins with a aging historian on a quest to release the magic and save the land."Take two: "When her father falls into a coma and can only be revived through magic, a rRead more

    Here are a couple of tries:
    —–
    Take one: ? “When the ruling Magi-garchy discover how to horde magic, a rebellious freedom fighter joins with a aging historian on a quest to release the magic and save the land.”

    Take two: “When her father falls into a coma and can only be revived through magic, a rebellious freedom fighter joins an aging historian on a quest to usurp the ruling Magi-garchy who have discovered how to horde magic.”
    —–
    Hope that helped, good luck with this!

    (BTW; an Oligarchy is when the richest few rule the land. I use the made-up term Magi-garchy as a word play off that. A land ruled by the most powerful magic users. You don’t have to use that term but I made an attempt to give what you wrote about in your logline a name)

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  3. Posted: February 9, 2016In:

    A young mechanic discovers the spaceship she stole from dry dock is capable of ending the civil war between organic and synthetic life forms, but first she must convince the on-board AI to choose a side.

    Richiev Singularity

    I believe this logline would be improved with a different inciting incident. The inciting incident should tell the reader why the lead character is personally invested in stopping the war. The goal of a character should be the most important thing in their lives; it should mean the whole world to thRead more

    I believe this logline would be improved with a different inciting incident.

    The inciting incident should tell the reader why the lead character is
    personally invested in stopping the war.

    The goal of a character should be the most important thing in their lives;
    it should mean the whole world to them.

    Adding the element to the logline that tells us why stopping the war is
    personally important to the lead character
    will greatly improve the logline and draw
    in the reader.

    Hope that helps, good luck with this!

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