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Following the arrival of an ancient Egyptian artifact, museum employees begin to get murdered one by one. Now, a security guard who is dissatisfied with her job must solve the murders and catch the killer before she becomes the next victim.
"After a grizzly string of murders, a fed up museum security guard blames a recent Egyptian exhibit and must solve the ancient curse before the next full moon." Include a "ticking clock" to give us more urgency. This helps put pressure on the protagonist and fuel the fire. Hope this helps :D
“After a grizzly string of murders, a fed up museum security guard blames a recent Egyptian exhibit and must solve the ancient curse before the next full moon.”
Include a “ticking clock” to give us more urgency. This helps put pressure on the protagonist and fuel the fire. Hope this helps 😀
See lessA young lieutenant?s assignment to turn an antiquated battle cruiser into a traveling museum becomes a life and death struggle when he and his retiree crew must defend a colony world under attack.
Who is attacking the colony world ?? Why must they defend the colony world ?? Knowing these questions and including them would help us as a reader. The logline starts of good and then I stopped caring when I got to the end. Make us cheer for the lieutenant and his crew. Give us a clearer obstacle. DRead more
Who is attacking the colony world ?? Why must they defend the colony world ??
Knowing these questions and including them would help us as a reader.
The logline starts of good and then I stopped caring when I got to the end.
Make us cheer for the lieutenant and his crew. Give us a clearer obstacle.
Did the battle cruiser need a new part and they stopped at a colony world to fix it ??
Is the colony world their home ??
Also you can cut down the wording for a much stronger approach.
We know by reading the logline that the battle cruiser is being retired and there is not a need to use “retiree” crew as I thought it meant:
1) The old crew who ran the battle cruiser (Senior Citizens)
2) A crew who’s last mission is the assignment
Hope this helps 😀
See lessDuring an intergalactic war a battle fleet wins a decisive, but costly battle leaving an inexperienced commander to rally them when they are attacked by a gigantic space-faring beast that begins picking ships off one-by-one.
"Winning a costly intergalactic war, an amateur commander leads an unprecedented assault against an alien that is preying on the fleets ships one-by-one." Be concise and cutthroat with your words. This concept has potential and with a few more tries could have a logline to match. :D
“Winning a costly intergalactic war, an amateur commander leads an unprecedented assault against an alien that is preying on the fleets ships one-by-one.”
Be concise and cutthroat with your words. This concept has potential and with a few more tries could have a logline to match. 😀
See less