After recruitment, a DSA agent takes on the toughest cases that are thrown at her, while trying to maintain a relationship with her handsome, yet computer-nerd boyfriend.

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11 reviews

Jessie · Samurai · 1,135 pts

Meaning to investigate: how can it be stepped up one in the logline? Character quirk? strange circumstances?, ... I smell, this can be upgraded from a show people like to one they love and come back for conventions years later.

Jessie · Samurai · 1,135 pts

Oh, and unless the way she gets her cases is crucial for the story, I'd completely ditch ?that are thrown at her? no new info, nips on your word count.

KW · Samurai · 530 pts

I think this logline lacks details. It would be more powerful if we knew exactly what kind of tough case she is dealing with, and what specifically is causing the strain on her relationship.? Ideally, it would be great if these two things were also related.

Jessie · Samurai · 1,135 pts

I too, would like to see something more to this. This original concept?might be what it appears like at first, but where can you make it "cool", pardon the simple adjective. :) Where is it going to get really interesting?

Valentin · Mentor · 3,580 pts

Blindspot uses tattoo as weekly starting point of an investigation, so why not conspiracy theory posted by a manic but brilliant boyfriend, with Asperger syndrome and unbelievable talent to recognise patterns. The boyfriend could play the same role than the machine is playing in the TV serie?Person of Interest. Giving lead to a NSA team to investigate. He unknowingly gives assignments.
One way I can see that working as a serie is if boyfriend is unaware that she is a NSA agent and she uses his wild conspirator theories as source. Every week, a genius but socially awkward boyfriend discovers something weird on Internet, the dark web, newspaper, gumtree, she investigates and saves the day. As he does not know, the recurring theme will be trying to hide that information from him.
You can even have an episode where he is kidnapped because he investigated by himself some conspiracy that the NSA rejected.
Another episode where a bad team is recruiting genius by posting puzzle.
if he knows and is part of the team, then maybe you can change the relationship from boyfriend to brother. She is just his sister and legal guardian who protects him. He is fighting for his own independence and being respected by the rest of the team.

Neer Shelter · Singularity · 39,985 pts

Agreed with all the above comments.

I'll add that, the first half of this logline is about a rookie NSA agent and the second one is about a relationship - the two don't necessarily fit into the one concept as they both deal with completly different subject matter. Analyse successful TV shows and you'll see that the personal aspect of the show, in most cases, is tied into the main storyline.
Here are a few as examples:

After he is diagnosed with terminal cancer a chemistry teacher turns into a successful meth cook in order to provide his family with enough money after he dies.

After witnessing his mother's murder a serial killer, gone police blood spatter expert, channels his urge to kill to stop criminals the police couldn't catch.

After being wrongfully court martialed a special forces team become civilian underground guns for hire to help innocent people find justice.

Former member · Singularity · 114,968 pts

The series concept requires a writer to have technical knowledge of computer operations, network security and an understanding of the culture and m.o. of the NSA.? Otherwise, it'll come off as bogus as a $3 dollar bill.

dogger · Singularity · 87,055 pts

The series concept requires a writer to have technical knowledge of computer operations, network security and an understanding of the culture and m.o. of the NSA.? Otherwise, it'll come off as bogus as a $3 dollar bill.

wendylou · Penpusher · 50 pts

I think for me it's missing the key 'what actually could go wrong/causes the drama' part.