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When a rebellious bigoted Hells Angel member is shot by a Notorius gang member, his Irish, Jewish great grandmother takes his spirit back to her life in nineteenth century Ireland to see the effects of ignorance and to change his attitudes while his sister and the sister of the boy who shot him investigate what led to the incident.
This logline is too long. I would stick to the main storyline and skip the side story. Also, You don't need to say 'Rebellious' Hell's Angel, since Hell's Angels are by nature Rebellious. "When a bigoted Hell's Angel is shot, his spirit is transported back in time by his great grandmother where he mRead more
This logline is too long. I would stick to the main storyline and skip the side story.
Also, You don’t need to say ‘Rebellious’ Hell’s Angel, since Hell’s Angels are by nature Rebellious.
“When a bigoted Hell’s Angel is shot, his spirit is transported back in time by his great grandmother where he must learn tolerance if he’s to return to the present.”
Good luck with this!
See lessWhen team of zombie fighting monsters lose their commander an overzealous commando orders them to protect a solitary human that could save their food source from extinction.
Timmy, that's because it needs a comma right after the word commander, Other wise it reads like: "When team of zombie fighting monsters lose their commander an overzealous commando...." When you read it the first time you think that the commander is an overzealous commando. It would be more clear ifRead more
Timmy, that’s because it needs a comma right after the word commander,
Other wise it reads like:
“When team of zombie fighting monsters lose their commander an overzealous commando….”
When you read it the first time you think that the commander is an overzealous commando.
It would be more clear if the words were switched just a little bit:
“When a team of zombie fighting monsters lose their commander, they’re ordered by an overzealous zombie fighter to protect a solitary human to save their food source from extinction.”
See lessThe night New York City loses containment on the Zombie outbreak, the rookie member of a Covert Zombie Suppression Team must escort the plague's original carrier to a secure location for testing.
If it is common knowledge and important to the story, I would add that the protagonist isn't quite human in the logline. (If it doesn't add too many words) If it's a big reveal I wouldn't.
If it is common knowledge and important to the story, I would add that the protagonist isn’t quite human in the logline. (If it doesn’t add too many words)
If it’s a big reveal I wouldn’t.
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